Hungover as fuck, Merl, Chards and Cabsav had finally made it to the Inn. After many nights following Merl’s somewhat questionable astronomy, the 3 Wine Men had made it to the birthplace of our lord and saviour: Jesus Christ.

“Yo we’re here to see the baby messiah” Chards said to the Innkeeper.

“He’s in the barn out the back there then” the Innkeeper replied.

“Why the fuck aren’t they in a room?” Chards quizzed.

“It’s that penny pinching prude Joseph, the toight bastard” the Innkeeper exclaimed, “that poor Mary came in ‘ere holding that baby in there then with 2 hands moind. I reckoned that poor lass ran out of patience and perineum power so she just laid up in that hay there then and gave it all innit”

And with a semi-understanding of what the Innkeeper meant, the 3 Wine Men made for the barn in the back there then - though they wished they hadn’t.

It was the smell that hit them first, the barnyard faeces merged seamlessly with the human shit forming a solid cloud for the pungent birthing fumes to be delivered directly into the nostrils of Merl, Chards and Cabsav.

Cabsav vomited into his mouth, the cayenne covered maize he had for lunch roasted the back of his throat. But he swallowed it down to save face in front of the baby Jesus.

Chards’ eyes filled with water, almost as much as the time he mistook an onion for an apple. But he wiped his tears dry to save face in front of the baby Jesus.

Merl began to sway from side to side with greater intensity, his vision clouding. Try as he might to find his balance, he landed on his face in front of the baby Jesus.

“Fuckssake Merl” Cabsav murmured and promptly prodded Merl until he showed signs of life.

“Good evening your Grace” Cabsav was now addressing the sweet baby Jesus.

“We came bequiffing gifts my lord” and Cabsav reached into his man-bag A.K.A. bag and produced the finest Myrrh the barn had ever seen. He laid it next to the baby Jesus in his crib.

Jesus acknowledged the Myrrh with a look of disdain, a look that said “What in fuck’s name is this?! What the fuck do you think I am gona do with this??”

Cabsav averted his eyes and made room for Chards to step forward.

“My Liege, I have not disrespected you as my counterpart has, allow me to present to you… this pure nugget… of GOLD” Chards held out a small ingot of Gold and placed it on the other side of baby Jesus in his crib.

Jesus seemed nonplussed. He stared into Chards’ soul with indignation, with a look that said “Are you fucking kidding me?! Gold mate!? It’s not even in the shape of something cool, like a necklace or watch. It’s just in the shape of a rock you twat! I want some bitcoin bitch or some of that great and powerful Renminbi, not a shiny hunk of rock you jebendless ass hat!!”

Chards’ eyes were watering once again, he stifled a couple of sobs, bowed and stepped back.

Now by this time Merl had finally found his feet. Unphased by the retina grilling his cohorts had received, Merl dove a hand into his satchel A.K.A man-satchel and began to rifle. After what seemed like an eternity he finally delivered to the Lord and Saviour an elegant Jumper, (Sweater to all y’all North Americans) the Jumper contained a fine blend of Organic Cotton and Hemp and Jesus’ eyes sparkled at the sight of its beauty.

The new born cast his eyes over the gorgeous garment and became transfixed with the 2 colour front print, and then the Son of God uttered his first words “Jesus... Fucking... Christ... It’s a Fast As Fuck”

Now those may not have been your first words, or the words of anyone you know, or even the words of anyone ever, but together we can change that. We can encourage early speech in 10s if not dozens of newborn, innocent children by wearing this splendid Sweater around nurseries, playgrounds and the ever popular baby-yoga classes. So drink the Kool-Aid, sign on the dotted, pull the fucking trigger and spread the word of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Fucking Christ.

Black Sweatshirt

  • - 55% hemp, 45% Organic Cotton

    - Relaxed fit

    - 380 gsm


    A classic crew style sweatshirt, with set-in sleeves, cut in a relaxed fit. Made from a 380gsm, heavyweight, loopback hemp/organic cotton fleece. Featuring a two colour, waterbased, screen printed graphic across the chest.